Enchanted Friday

I don't know what's more worrying- the fact that I sat down to watch Disney's 'Enchanted' last night with Sadie and really, really enjoyed it (to the point where I was either snorting with laughter or sobbing like an undernourished baby) or that I went to bed last night early, straight after said Disney slush and had a really lovely, Disney-inspired romantic dream about me and Sign Shop Man and have woken up in the best of moods. It's rather sad that my dreams are more fun than my reality at present but it's put a spring in my step. And I would thoroughly recommend the film to anyone with a heart and a liking for ginger princesses, handsome men and chipmunks. Thank you Glenn for sending Sadie the DVD- you have hit the nail on the head yet again...
And I hope that one day Sign Shop Man will feature more heavily in my blogs, but perhaps it's actually quite nice for now to have him just in my fairytale (not the Disney kind- more the adult kind with a hint of filth as well as fluff) fantasies.
I think as well as my dreams helping me cope, and my friends, family and a quite expensive but thoroughly worth it therapist, working in a hospital does wonders for my life affirmation. OK so I have a broken heart, but it will mend, and I am free to enjoy my life and my daughter and living by the sea etc; basically my life is pretty wonderful.
I look around the Kidney ward at these poor sods on dialysis, linked up to machines by wires in an artificially lit room that smells of piss (renal failure makes people stink of urine) with nothing to do but stare across the room at another yellowing human before them and I feel privileged that my body is in working order, despite my mind being a tad delusional. Nothing is that bad when you look around you. And hey people- look after your kidneys! Because it's certainly made me appreciate mine.
I hope there's no one on dialysis reading this as I put all that rather grimly but from where I'm sitting, it doesn't look that pleasant. But I suppose the one consolation is that you get to see medical staff wearing those hilarious pink visors.....
Also I'm off out tonight for a few drinks with my friend Rachael which is always nice. Have had a week off the booze- apart from a can of Guinness I shared with my dad last night- as my folks are down for the week and I've used it as an excuse to take care of myself more. Plus my mum is tee-total and starts spitting and my dad and I if we so much sniff at more than one drink a night.

Hang the DJ

Music is such a powerful influence on my feelings at the best of times, but when I'm feeling a bit sensitive and about to burst my floodgates I am particularly partial to an emotional reaction to a song. I have an annoying brain like this as it is always playing an internal soundtrack (even when I'm asleep) that I often have to re-tune to omit the soppy, sentimental shit that can appear in my mind completely unprompted. The night I split up with Andy I woke up in the middle of the night with Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' (my brain is often on random rather than having any particularly good taste and I have no control over what the DJ of my mind matter will play next) blasting inside my head. I liturally had to sit bolt upright and tell the warbling lady "f*&k off Whitney and let me sleep!" (out loud) before I could settle down again with some decent, uplifting tunes in my head. She did disappear and eventually I persuaded Annie Lennox and her 'Thorn in my side' to send me back to sleep.
(I am officially the queen of cheese and currently obsessed by the '80s it seems..)

Spots and Stripes and Wasted Pants

Did a bit of retail therapy yesterday and thought I'd purchase a new coat. I'm looking for something summery and bright coloured but everywhere I looked were black, brown and khaki adornments. Any suggestions anyone? Nothing too pricey mind, but something stylish, quite smart and preferably pink or aqua...I ended up doing my usual when I am clothes shopping and purchased a stripey item- a black and white top for work and play. I ALWAYS go for stripes or spots. EVERY time. Last time I did a spot of consumer comforting I got myself two pairs of spotty knickers from M&S. They are very cute but it will probably be a long while before anyone, other than me, and Sadie (as she sees me wandering the flat in pants many times over the course of her life), gets to admire them.
Oh well- just knowing I'm wearing them makes me feel better.
I actually hate clothes shopping, but love having new things once in a while. I feel very out of place amongst the ravenous, seemingly desperate Primark vultures. There were women everywhere with their eyes bulging and their arms swamped in multi-coloured sewn together fabrics. I just spy the stripes and the spots and basically grab and run- well grab, buy at the till and run.
I'm even thinking of getting my ears pierced. What with Primark, my work pixie boots and soon-to-be hooped earring look- am I turning into a chav?
It's good to have a new image when you start a new chapter in your life, but maybe not one that appears to be more of a nervous breakdown.

The Real Truth About Cats and Dogs

Why is no one commenting on my blog anymore? Hello? Is anyone actually bothering to read my drivel anymore?? I know some of you are as you send me emails to my yahoo but goddam it- is there anyone else out there? And if not I don't blame you...
Anyway- I'll carry on regardless of no readers. For christ's sake I've kept a diary for 19 years and had no one looking at it and that never stopped me.
My blog is turning into some G-list celebrity hall of fame. My latest encounter was in the Funky Fish club in Brighton on Saturday night. One of my favourite films when I was in my late teens was 'The Truth About Cats and Dogs'; a rom-com about a man who goes for brains over beauty (but let's face it- the girl he chooses is still very pretty of course- see above image of girl on the right); a film that all deluded girls would warm to. The male character is played by the lovely Ben Chaplin, and this is who I drunkenly cornered in a motown club a few days ago. He was, sadly, with his wife/girlfriend who didn't seem too happy, but he was quite pleasant, was surprised to hear that Rachael knew he used to have a cat called 'Oi' and even later came and asked my name. I have to say I was a bit tipsy and did suddenly think I was talking to the man of my dreams (his Cats and Dogs character) but quickly whisked myself away mumbling the words 'He' and 'Is' and 'Just' and 'An' and 'Actor' to myself....

Soundtrack: Arctic Monkeys- Mardy Bum

Aloe Mate

I have been cocooning myself with lots of friends lately (can you tell I read Sadie 'The Hungry Caterpillar' last night?). Despite being in a relationship with the same person for seven years, I have kept in close contact with my mates, lost a few along the way and made plenty of new ones to add to the foray. It is now that I am grateful for the high pedastal that I have always placed my gang of friends upon, for I am reaping the rewards. Many have been willing to come by and see me with flowers, chocolate mousse or aloe vera plants (thank you joy), be on the end of a phone if I need a delirious chat or send me gifts through the post to cheer me up. Thanks Glenn for the Gavin and Stacey DVD by the way- it's doing the trick.
This fortnight is the school's easter holidays, and now that routines have changed somewhat it's meant I've had to swallow my own emotions down (I'll deal with those later over a red thai curry and a few glasses of wine) and think of my little girl's feelings about all of this. I have generously and bitingly-lippedly agreed with "her dad" (as he is now known as to me) that school holidays can be a bit more relaxed and if he wants to take her off for more than a few days he can. This is hard but good for her. She is, after all, turning into a bit of a daddy's girl. He doesn't deserve such a nice ex-girlfriend incidentally but the lucky git has bagged himself one. Shame he didn't work harder to hang onto me really. The fool. And hark at me all full of it. It must be Friday.
Anyway, claws firmly tucked away, and roll on a week to myself. I'm off for a night out in St Albans tonight for a friends' 40th. Long may my busy social schedule continue....

Things are a bit bpar

This is the text message I sent a friend yesterday. I have a new phone and it's been a while since I had one, but due to recent circumstances I made it a top priority to make myself accessible at all times. I just need to get used to texting again that's all.
Came home today to find half the stuff on the mantel piece had gone. Then I went to drop my laundry in the wash basket and it just fell on the floor. The wash basket had disappeared. I looked around the flat and realised that the office bin, the bathroom bin, a vase and a framed photograph of Sadie's cousins had also left blank spaces where they once stood.
I guess someone had started the process of moving out their "possessions". A bit unexpected to find such things vanishing and now I have laid down the ground rules about taking stuff so secretly that my draws end up on the floor and I've got nowhere to throw my used cotton buds. A girl needs some notice.....And some say in who gets custody of which bin. At least it looks as though I'm keeping the fishies...

Single Sundays

A friend of mine who has been a single mum for a few years refers to Sundays as 'Single Sundays' and now I know why. Whereas before, and if you have read my 'Sunday Sunday' blog you will know this (see- I am testing you), Sundays were once my favourite day of the week as they were relaxing, almost idyllic (if I half squinted)family time. Now I am adjusting to Sundays being very quiet and a bit lonely. I have lots of understanding friends who have invited me for Sunday roast at theirs (I had 3 invites today but have turned them down in favour of some writing time- I knew that if I went along I would just end up drunk which gets me nowhere right now) but this will all get a bit of getting used to. Monday to Friday I'm fine as I am busy with my routine of school runs, work and childcare, but weekends are now a void of light weekend euphoria on Saturdays and bewilderment and fear by Sunday.
Yesterday was the first time that Andy took Sadie overnight. I was very very down so spent half my day wandering the North Laines with Rachael in search of a necklace for her friend (I hate shopping, especially if it's jewellery buying for someone I've never even met- but I wanted to hang onto my good friend like a limpet rather than be on my own) and the other half at Joy and Geoff's eating a delicious stir fry, drinking wine and having a right good moan (as well as discussing Geoff's verruca- is it in fact a corn? Will it get Bazukered?).
This will all take time to adjust to- and I am by no means going back on my decision. You know you have done the right thing when your therapist buys you a congratulatory bunch of flowers. You also know if every time you have a sentimental teary-eyed moment you drop something heavy on your toe, scold your hand or give yourself food poisoning. This spontaneous clumsiness keeps happening every time I get all rose tinted. Is someone trying to tell me something?
Sadie is back in 4 hours- no make that 3- argh I hate losing an hour- so I'm off to write The Book. I wonder how recent events will alter my writing style....
Oh but before I go I must tell you that my one saving grace for Sundays (aside from countless mates offering their support of course)- the new series of 'Pulling' on BBC3 at 9pm- has now been destroyed. Remember at new year (I'm testing you again) when the tv got drenched in smelly fish water after the shelf holding it collapsed? Well the shelf got put back up, and no fish tank went up there, but I thought it safe to put Sadie's tiny sea monkeys on there (revolting things- pet bacteria? eugh) but oh no- the whole thing collapsed again, meaning dead sea monkeys (good riddance I say) and a wet digibox. All the channels are fine EXCEPT for f£$*ing BBC3! Can you believe it- but thank god for BBC iplayer. I will watch it tomorrow...

Soundtrack: Robyn & Kleerup - With Every Heartbeat