You may believe, dear readers, that I have been coping with the meltdown of my relationship to the father of my child remarkably well in the last couple of months. I thought so too, but now I understand otherwise. I am happy to have come to the decision, but in the meantime I have been hiding my pain and grief behind a candyfloss smokescreen of regular alcohol consumption, casual sex and naked swimming (when my off-duty-from-motherhood hours permit me to do so of course…). Once you eliminate these hedonistic past times from the equation, and discounting the healing time I have spent with friends, I am actually pretty darn miserable.
Don’t get me wrong- I am enjoying myself much more that I had envisaged. I imagined I’d be walking around with grey looking skin, having lost loads of weight and wearing a variety of black outfits for the next 12 months, like some sort of bereaving widow. As it is I am actually able to have lots of fun (and have put ON weight), particularly on the man front which has been a most pleasant surprise (did I mention internet dating? An exaggerating friend of mine said I hardly need to bother with cyber encounters as at the moment it seems all I have to do is step out of my front door and the men start forming a small queue- she said it’s almost like I’ve got man magnets in my shoes! Poor deluded cow..).
No- it’s more the habit of anaesthetising myself that worries me most. It’s ironic to me that I ended a relationship that was bad for my health, only to get more heavily involved in another toxic love affair. It is time to face the pain without numbing it as it won’t go away that easily, which is why I have decided to attempt to seriously cut down on the booze (and not go cold turkey as this would be like ripping a dummy from a baby’s mouth), despite having a wedding reception this weekend and my impending ‘Champagne and Bling’ party in a few weeks (‘Elderflower Cordial and Bling’ party doesn’t sound quite as much fun…..).
As for casual sex and mini love affairs; I’m just going to ride (fnar) that one out for a little while longer. It is giving me a healthy taster of things to come, and at least I will be now having sober, casual sex. Naked swimming has served it’s nipple-freezing cathartic liberating purpose but I will be sticking to my polka-dot bikini from now on.
It is time to try and start again properly this time. My therapist left me with a very poignant quote to ponder on yesterday:
“If you always do what you did
You will always get what you got”
Here’s to trying to change the habits of a lifetime………
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5 comments:
You probably needed to go a bit mental for a while there. Good luck with calming back down. x
Yes you are probably right Red. I am definitely calming down already. Have the night off from Sadie and have turned down a night out in favour of watching Juno and eating chocolate on my own. Just had an afternoon nap as well. Long may the healing begin....x
Good quote, I really like that. Took me a few seconds to actually understand it, mind.
It's good isn't it? Very simple but it's going to be my mantra for a while as I'd like to get some different things along the way.
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