Tree Stripper Day Tripper

Merman popped over this evening to eat veggie curry and try and get me to join his cult of raw food eaters and tree huggers. No- he wasn't that bad but he does have a funny energy about him that kind of hypnotises me. And that's even when he isn't wripping his clothes off in front of me on the beach. And so a new friendship has been born between the ginger herbal tea drinker and the blond tree surgeon who also drinks herbal tea but only if it's made from leaves plucked from an organic bush on a commune in Dorset. Give me Twinings any day. I thanked him for passing his mojo onto me, for this must partly explain my rainy spell lately, as it's since that fateful day on the seafront that my luck has most certainly been in. Unfortunately he is unable to attend my 'Champagne and Bling' party. Shame as it would have been rather entertaining to have a stripper.....

Trout Lips and Bunny Boiler moments...

So much for cutting down on the plonk.... last night I thought I'd spend a relaxing evening watching a string quartet perform at a local church. Classical music in the House of the Lord, I thought- now you don't get more puritanical than that! But oh no. There was a bar serving cheap wine and I was sitting next to my friend Pat who is an ex-pub landlord, so in typical Pat style he couldn't help himself but relentlessly shimmy over to the bar and pour me endless glasses of shitty shiraz (oof my head this morning)throughout the mesmerising 3 hour performance. But what an amazing rendition of Schubert's 'The Trout'. Just a shame I feel like an old trout this morning.
And this god awful weather isn't helping either. I am off to eat some chocolate. And there is a time and a place for chatting someone up via text (the sequel to the Merman- lets call him Uber Lips- has been in my thoughts a lot of late), but at work on a Monday morning is probably innappropriate. Oh well- wherever he is doing his systems analysing stuff I imagine it can only cheer him up so here goes.....God I am being unusually forward these days..

Later that day: blimey I think "cheer him up" is quite appropriate as apparantely my text got Uber Lips a bit excited at his desk at work and he had a bit of a "rigid" moment.... gosh what's going on? I have NEVER had this kind of effect on men before; or maybe I was just oblivious back then...
Sadie has been testing the boundaries so much lately I am bound to age rapidly over the next couple of years so I guess I should make the most of my allure while I still appear to have some....or maybe I am just very good with words..

Lost rolls and last rolos....

I just had a little Brighton-style mummy to daughter eco chat with Sadie. I was trying to explain to her that trees are very important as they provide oxygen and without this we would all die. She replied "Yes mummy and not having any trees in the world would be really bad as we would have nothing to wipe our bums on after we've been to the toilet......"
Ah kids- don't you just love em.....
It's Paddle Around the Pier weekend at present and we are off in the drizzle to watch a load of loonies attempt to get their home made silly rafts around the pier. Yesterday we enjoyed being surrounded by surfer types as we hung out in the sun at the Brighton Visitor/Orb stand on Hove Lawns with the lovely Nat and her cool box of white wine (in that order of magnetism). Sadie excitedly sat inside the giant, but stationary, Orb (which is basically an enormous hamster ball for humans that normally rolls down hills in a terrifying mannner..). Then the fantastic Tatiana popped over last night for beer, a Brunswick barbecue and a very bad film. We watched 'P.S. I Love You' because we knew we wouldn't actually watch the film for all the nattering we would be doing and we both fancy the arse off Gerard Butler. Hilary Swank is so irritating in it, or were we just jealous that she got to snog that man....Awful cheesy film though..But Tat got given the last chocolate biscuit by the man in the video shop (I can't take her anywhere that girl) so it was worth it. It was a bit of a rolo moment I have to say...

Soundtrack: Wombats- Moving to New York

Get away from the bar.. tell your boyfriend hold your jar....

I am so glad I wasn't involved in a horrific accident as I cycled to work today as a) it would have hurt a lot and I might have died and b) I was carrying an item in an Asda carrier bag on my handle bars that would have made the paramedics think twice about resuscitating me. In my possession today was a copy of The Worst Book In The World… The Rules. A lovely, possibly quite naive girl from work had lent it to me when I mentioned that I was out of touch with the “dating game”. She said she followed “the rules” to the latter and that maybe I should do the same. So just being myself is a bad idea then? I think not. I will stick to my own set of rules thanks, and they seem to be working pretty well at present, even if I am only attracting unobtainable tree surgeons who smell of beeswax. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t need such a pile of wank to read thank you very much, so I borrowed it. It has sat on my bookshelf for the last week, unread and with the spine hidden from view in shame.
I once ran the self-help section of a chain of Books Etc and it never once occurred to me, in the two years I was there, to pick up The Worst Book In The World and take a peak at what gems it had to teach me. ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ was more my cup of tea. This book changed my life. After reading it at the bookshop till one day (oh it was a cut throat profession), I resigned from my job. I then went home and told my flatmates I was moving out, before calling my boyfriend to finish our relationship. I changed three major things in my life in 24 hours and to this day never regretted the decisions I made. Susan Jeffers is a star as opposed to those corrupt and patronising Fein and Schneider twats.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes....

Sadie is going through that phase that friends warned me about when kids deal with parents separating; 3 months in and she is starting to play us off against each other. She has told him that she loves him more than me (which he took great pleasure in telling me) and has whinged every time she has gone to stay with him because she "likes being with me more than daddy" (which I haven't told him, being the more mature member of the team). She is also testing her boundaries to the limit. My guess is that when she's with daddy for the two or three days a week he spends with her, her boundaries get broadened. So much so that by the time she returns home to me she has a whole new set of rules and unless I am consistent with his teeterings into insane parenting (sweets for breakfast? playing next to a main road for fun? Late bedtimes where she gets to watch DVDs until she passes out? Christ what am I up against???) all hell breaks loose and I end up having a semi-nervous breakdown for half the week. It is hard to remain a calm parent when this is up against you, but I am trying my best. Friends say it will settle and she will get used to one set of rules for daddy's place and one set whilst at home. I just wish this glimmer of hope would leap at me from it's seemingly distant and unobtainable place. I love her to bits of course. None of this is any of her fault and her dad and I just need to keep it together, and despite all this tension, she is the one keeping me grounded and happy. But at the same time, I think I should forgive myself for those times when the pressure is off and I am free to let out my angst and whizz around like a let loose Catherine Wheel......

Gunk

I now realise that in the picture of me below I look like someone has sneezed all over my face....
I have just had a rather surreal and disturbing conversation with my boss. We do get on and have a giggle together, but he used to be a sexual health nurse and just saw fit to randomly sit down next to me at my desk and lecture me on the dangers of oral sex. I didn't bring this subject up of course- that would be weird. I merely mentioned my recurring mouth ulcer problem at the moment (which is more to do with late nights than the possiblility of an STD incidentally- I am not that irresponsible) and that was it he was off. It is very odd to hear your boss uttering the words 'cock', 'suck', 'swallow' and 'enzymes' whilst attempting to go through the renal ward invoices.

Soundtrack: Wombats-Backfired at the Disco

I see you stumble......

I am going to have to start another, anonymous blog where I can actually say what happened this weekend. Belle Du Jour I am not, but I am teetering on the brink of becoming a bit of a lady of the night of late. And I am loving it. It all started off innocently as ever and then inevitably spiralled into a hedonistic twirl of tongues, mod haircuts and my old school uniform. And I will never see Thomas the Tank Engine in the same light again. Oh my lord. Hormones have a lot to answer for. And lager.....
I am listening to far too much local radio at present, since the ex gained custody of the digital radio. Gone are the days of listening to the fantastic and ever-tasteful 6 Music. Now I spend most of my days having to be subjected to '80s Hour' or just soppy chart singles by the likes of Duffy and Rhianna. Bros's 'I owe you nothing' is on now tinkling in the background as I am about to do a marathon session on The Book. This is not good. My creativity will be completely pissed upon by those Goss brothers. I'm off to put on a John Peel compilation and get on with some proper writing......