Am I full of s**t or what?

I take back a little bit of what I said yesterday as I now have a very appealing looking photograph of Uber Lips’s toned naked torso on my mobile phone to keep me perky throughout the day. Without modern technology I would not be grinning from ear to ear right now......

Phipps: you were right. It is all going to pot....

I always agreed with Blur when they said ‘Modern Life Is Rubbish’ (a phrase they actually stole from a graffitied wall in Finsbury Park- I later met the man who sprayed it- a violinist called Fred Phipps from Swiss Cottage, an old school friend of The Ex). You may remember that I only recently purchased a mobile telephone- the original purpose of which was for emergencies only- not long distance badly abbreviated sex talk and mind games. Since I was last single and out there looking for fun and frolics, the world of dating has become really, really odd. Nobody has conversations anymore- they are all either emailing, facebooking or text messaging each other cryptic, self-absorbed drivel and are multi-flirting with it, just to keep their options open. I have started to fall into the same trap but I have halted in my tracks as I’m not getting much out of this. The opportunities for people to have more choice about who is going to massage their ego are widening, and it is sadly meaning the levels of intimacy are narrowing. Uber Lips wants to “add me as a friend on facebook”. No! I don’t want to be one of your 213 friends on facebook! I don’t want to have the added hell of knowing “what you are doing right now” and what your undoubtedly gorgeous ex girlfriend looks like and where you went on holiday together last year before I’ve even had the chance to get to know you! I have informed him of this and I hope the chap understands my desire for a good old fashioned telephone conversation rather than the to-ing and fro-ing of meaningless albiet flattering ramblings. Text messages and emails are easy, but talking isn’t, unless it’s with someone that you click with. I want spur of the moment not well thought out innuendos and chat up lines… And you would think as a writer I would prefer this form of communication- well I don’t. All it is doing is giving people more of an excuse to cover themselves and not get close to people. Men invented texting and emailing. Now there's a surprise. Just like they invented the bra, they have created a convenience and falseness around real interactions. And I guess it is up to the individual how much we get sucked in by it. Well I want to hear someone's dulcet tones down the phone and gage from their voice how much like me. I want a dialect that can't be edited or deleted for fear of "being yourself". I will not be burning my phone or my computer, but I will be watching myself in case I end up a communication couch potato like so many...(she says...the blog writer herself!)

Endorphins, the power of sleep and missing friends

I enjoyed an 8 mile bike ride yesterday from Hove to outer Saltdean and back, stopping only once to grab a sandwich at Jane’s cafe under the cliffs near Rottingdean. The venture really blew the cobwebs away and when I arrived at the school gates to collect Sadie I was a delirious glow of adrenalin and sea air. I’m hoping to get some jogging done later today to continue the theme. I have missed those endorphins and cycling to work now isn’t the challenge it once was. I am obviously becoming fit (or as Uber Lips commented “wonderfully fit”- and this is coming from a man who has spent 4 years in physio so has the body of Adonis; he is clearly either blind or a very kind liar) Rachael and I are hoping to do a 10K run in October so this is something to aim for. However, Rachael appears to have disappeared off the planet- where are you Glazier? Have you run off with Toy Soldier as he has vanished into thin air too?! I obviously have this effect on people.
Last night was blissful as my delirious and puffy eyed child went down to sleep at 6.30pm. Just what she needed after her mad weekend of partying with the Spectors.. I actually lay down next to her and, after my thigh busting cycle ride, crashed out too until about 9pm. I then did what I always do best when I’ve just woken from a deep sleep and got down to some writing. My brain seems to be at its most creative after a good old snooze and usually first thing in the morning is only for quick showers and jam on toast, not scribbling my rambling creations into a notebook, so I took advantage of this post-dream moment and am quite pleased with what I came up with. I will edit it and post it on here one day soon.

Term endings and leggy beginnings

Sadie came back from Belgium yesterday as high as a kite. But then the tiredness kicked in and I have been living with the girl from the exorcist over the last 12 hours. Poor little love she is exhausted. Roll on summer holidays where I no longer need to drag my bleary eyed child out of bed of a morning and force feed her porridge. End of term is looming thank the lord.
Oh and Uber Lips has been in touch to tell me he has been having “mind blowing dreams” about the night that we met (perhaps he is getting me muddled up with someone else- some fox he met recently, but for now I will enjoy his delusion). It was a fun night though (remember dry humping and nude swimming with a man who had just regained use of his legs? OH yes....). I was all set yesterday for a dry spell, where I would have to take up cross stitch, bread making and aqua aerobics (not at the same time of course) to quash my womanly needs, but oh no- looks like I’ll be getting a re-run of those puckers some time soon….I’m not going to become a dried up old spinster just yet…mojo well and firmly still intact it seems!

A Right Kir Royale Piss Up

The ‘Champagne and Bling’ party was a great success despite many people (including my doppelganger who was the original tiara wearing fizzy plonk lover) pulling out at the last minute (the best excuse being from my Czech friend who said she had to stay in to write a letter....). Nevertheless my flat was still a heaving glittery piss up; with neighbours not complaining about the noise but actually coming up to join us to add to the madness. My married next door neighbour and his friend came over dressed in golfing attire. Later on their wives were banging down the door to find out where their other halves had disappeared to. Oops. I spent the latter half of the evening lap dancing for a young architect from London, and then promptly passed out in my tiara, electric pink eye shadow (hello? Am I 13?) and heels. I am so classy. Ah but I had loads of fun. Toy Soldier didn’t turn up in the end; I think he has lost his nerve the poor lamb. A quick Facebook stalker moment has meant I now know the truth: he is in fact 18. Cripes! Probably just as well he blew me out then…..
Lovely to see lots of old friends and ace to ease my post-party blues yesterday with my friend Tatiana over a couple of shandies…And to think I could have been spending the night with an inexperienced baby-faced squaddie.
Sadie has come back from a trip to Belgium with her daddy today, and so back to the world of school runs, fish fingers, nits and Disney princesses.
(p.s. aside from my arse wiggling show for the architect I think my mojo has left me as I just re-read the last 3 entries and realised that THREE of my "hareem" turned down the invite to my party.... boo....looks like the magic has gone. Oh well- it was fun while it lasted...)

Belgian waffles

Sadie has gone off to Belgium today with her daddy so I am free (if a little sad that my bubba is so far away) for the next 3 days from the chains of motherhood! My 'Champagne and Bling' (oh dear god) party is tomorrow night and it is going to be an oestrogen fuelled night at this rate as my list of guests is 25 women strong (10 of us single), with only 16 blokes attending. I am wearing a pink plastic tiara from Burger King and I have already purchased some fizzy rose from Asda. Ooo what tacky fun we will have!
Uber Lips can't make it unfortunately as he's working (hurry up and make a date with me Lips-of-the-Gods man- I can't wait much longer to test drive those puckers again!) and I am not going to invite my latest plaything Toy Soldier (he's just about to join the army and fancied a quick fling with an older lady... lucky me...) as the poor lad will faint from nerves, and friends would question whether I am having a third-life crisis when they see how boyish he looks! He's 21 but could pass for 17.....but very cute to boot.

Soundtrack: Suede-So Young

Tree Stripper Day Tripper

Merman popped over this evening to eat veggie curry and try and get me to join his cult of raw food eaters and tree huggers. No- he wasn't that bad but he does have a funny energy about him that kind of hypnotises me. And that's even when he isn't wripping his clothes off in front of me on the beach. And so a new friendship has been born between the ginger herbal tea drinker and the blond tree surgeon who also drinks herbal tea but only if it's made from leaves plucked from an organic bush on a commune in Dorset. Give me Twinings any day. I thanked him for passing his mojo onto me, for this must partly explain my rainy spell lately, as it's since that fateful day on the seafront that my luck has most certainly been in. Unfortunately he is unable to attend my 'Champagne and Bling' party. Shame as it would have been rather entertaining to have a stripper.....

Trout Lips and Bunny Boiler moments...

So much for cutting down on the plonk.... last night I thought I'd spend a relaxing evening watching a string quartet perform at a local church. Classical music in the House of the Lord, I thought- now you don't get more puritanical than that! But oh no. There was a bar serving cheap wine and I was sitting next to my friend Pat who is an ex-pub landlord, so in typical Pat style he couldn't help himself but relentlessly shimmy over to the bar and pour me endless glasses of shitty shiraz (oof my head this morning)throughout the mesmerising 3 hour performance. But what an amazing rendition of Schubert's 'The Trout'. Just a shame I feel like an old trout this morning.
And this god awful weather isn't helping either. I am off to eat some chocolate. And there is a time and a place for chatting someone up via text (the sequel to the Merman- lets call him Uber Lips- has been in my thoughts a lot of late), but at work on a Monday morning is probably innappropriate. Oh well- wherever he is doing his systems analysing stuff I imagine it can only cheer him up so here goes.....God I am being unusually forward these days..

Later that day: blimey I think "cheer him up" is quite appropriate as apparantely my text got Uber Lips a bit excited at his desk at work and he had a bit of a "rigid" moment.... gosh what's going on? I have NEVER had this kind of effect on men before; or maybe I was just oblivious back then...
Sadie has been testing the boundaries so much lately I am bound to age rapidly over the next couple of years so I guess I should make the most of my allure while I still appear to have some....or maybe I am just very good with words..

Lost rolls and last rolos....

I just had a little Brighton-style mummy to daughter eco chat with Sadie. I was trying to explain to her that trees are very important as they provide oxygen and without this we would all die. She replied "Yes mummy and not having any trees in the world would be really bad as we would have nothing to wipe our bums on after we've been to the toilet......"
Ah kids- don't you just love em.....
It's Paddle Around the Pier weekend at present and we are off in the drizzle to watch a load of loonies attempt to get their home made silly rafts around the pier. Yesterday we enjoyed being surrounded by surfer types as we hung out in the sun at the Brighton Visitor/Orb stand on Hove Lawns with the lovely Nat and her cool box of white wine (in that order of magnetism). Sadie excitedly sat inside the giant, but stationary, Orb (which is basically an enormous hamster ball for humans that normally rolls down hills in a terrifying mannner..). Then the fantastic Tatiana popped over last night for beer, a Brunswick barbecue and a very bad film. We watched 'P.S. I Love You' because we knew we wouldn't actually watch the film for all the nattering we would be doing and we both fancy the arse off Gerard Butler. Hilary Swank is so irritating in it, or were we just jealous that she got to snog that man....Awful cheesy film though..But Tat got given the last chocolate biscuit by the man in the video shop (I can't take her anywhere that girl) so it was worth it. It was a bit of a rolo moment I have to say...

Soundtrack: Wombats- Moving to New York

Get away from the bar.. tell your boyfriend hold your jar....

I am so glad I wasn't involved in a horrific accident as I cycled to work today as a) it would have hurt a lot and I might have died and b) I was carrying an item in an Asda carrier bag on my handle bars that would have made the paramedics think twice about resuscitating me. In my possession today was a copy of The Worst Book In The World… The Rules. A lovely, possibly quite naive girl from work had lent it to me when I mentioned that I was out of touch with the “dating game”. She said she followed “the rules” to the latter and that maybe I should do the same. So just being myself is a bad idea then? I think not. I will stick to my own set of rules thanks, and they seem to be working pretty well at present, even if I am only attracting unobtainable tree surgeons who smell of beeswax. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I didn’t need such a pile of wank to read thank you very much, so I borrowed it. It has sat on my bookshelf for the last week, unread and with the spine hidden from view in shame.
I once ran the self-help section of a chain of Books Etc and it never once occurred to me, in the two years I was there, to pick up The Worst Book In The World and take a peak at what gems it had to teach me. ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ was more my cup of tea. This book changed my life. After reading it at the bookshop till one day (oh it was a cut throat profession), I resigned from my job. I then went home and told my flatmates I was moving out, before calling my boyfriend to finish our relationship. I changed three major things in my life in 24 hours and to this day never regretted the decisions I made. Susan Jeffers is a star as opposed to those corrupt and patronising Fein and Schneider twats.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes....

Sadie is going through that phase that friends warned me about when kids deal with parents separating; 3 months in and she is starting to play us off against each other. She has told him that she loves him more than me (which he took great pleasure in telling me) and has whinged every time she has gone to stay with him because she "likes being with me more than daddy" (which I haven't told him, being the more mature member of the team). She is also testing her boundaries to the limit. My guess is that when she's with daddy for the two or three days a week he spends with her, her boundaries get broadened. So much so that by the time she returns home to me she has a whole new set of rules and unless I am consistent with his teeterings into insane parenting (sweets for breakfast? playing next to a main road for fun? Late bedtimes where she gets to watch DVDs until she passes out? Christ what am I up against???) all hell breaks loose and I end up having a semi-nervous breakdown for half the week. It is hard to remain a calm parent when this is up against you, but I am trying my best. Friends say it will settle and she will get used to one set of rules for daddy's place and one set whilst at home. I just wish this glimmer of hope would leap at me from it's seemingly distant and unobtainable place. I love her to bits of course. None of this is any of her fault and her dad and I just need to keep it together, and despite all this tension, she is the one keeping me grounded and happy. But at the same time, I think I should forgive myself for those times when the pressure is off and I am free to let out my angst and whizz around like a let loose Catherine Wheel......

Gunk

I now realise that in the picture of me below I look like someone has sneezed all over my face....
I have just had a rather surreal and disturbing conversation with my boss. We do get on and have a giggle together, but he used to be a sexual health nurse and just saw fit to randomly sit down next to me at my desk and lecture me on the dangers of oral sex. I didn't bring this subject up of course- that would be weird. I merely mentioned my recurring mouth ulcer problem at the moment (which is more to do with late nights than the possiblility of an STD incidentally- I am not that irresponsible) and that was it he was off. It is very odd to hear your boss uttering the words 'cock', 'suck', 'swallow' and 'enzymes' whilst attempting to go through the renal ward invoices.

Soundtrack: Wombats-Backfired at the Disco